Mistakes

I think everyone can think back to one mistake they've made in the past and wish they had done something different to prevent that mistake from ever occurring.  Unfortunately, time travel isn't a realistic solution yet.  With that, you have to learn to live with the mistake you make and you have to be able to do three things; learn from it, fix it, and live with it. While that seems easy it sometimes poses problems.  Anyone who has a level of education above elementary school knows that in order to learn something, it has to be done a countless number of times and drilled into your memory.  Therefore, the attempt of learning from your mistakes is something that takes time to actually learn and avoid repeating the said event.  Every human is young and naive in their own way, therefore you have to take into account how YOU will avoid the repeating of the mistake.  The next thing needing to be acknowledged in mistakes is fixing it.  Sometimes the mistake could have been more controlled or completely avoided, whatever the case, it has been made.  In order to put it behind you, it may be best to fix the broken bridge.  For example, if you break a window in your house, chances are you wont just leave it, most of the time, you'd save money and repair your window.  Thats what has to be done if you destroy relationships by words or actions said.  It may not be your fault, but sometimes an apology can be helpful, don't point fingers, take the blame.  Living with your mistake is hard.  You live with it on your consciousness for the rest of time, always in the back of your mind, and always taunting you..
The reason of this lesson on mistakes? My guilty consciousness.  I made a few mistakes that I feel like can't be fixed, can't be learnt from, and certainly cannot be lived with.  But the truth is, they can.  My mistake has caused me to lose someone I held an amount of care for, someone who made me happy, but someone I held back.  I guess being young and naive, I tend to think everyone wants what i want, to be loved, cared about, all the attention on, especially with someone you like.  Thats when i need to wake up and smell the coffee.  I met a guy we'll say three weeks ago, he was great, amazing, and I wanted nothing but him.  But as i smothered him, with texts, phonecalls, and materialistic things that showed i cared, i failed to realize that all he wanted was space.  I told myself to respect that, but always failed to realize that I'm not giving into what he wants and needs.  He wasn't me, so why did i think he wanted what i did?  He was an individual.  We spent a lot of time together, due to my excuses for needing to, such as unwanted guests of my roommate and such.  It took 6 drinks, another girl, a jealous heart, and guilt to realize what I had done.  He was suffocating, he wanted me gone, he wanted me to let him breathe, and i didn't open my eyes and realize that.  6 drinks in and a long, late walk in downtown flag, i didn't realize what I would do would risk everything that was making me happy.  We weren't dating, we weren't even trying at a relationship, we were just friends, but when he left with her, my heart sank.  In my drunk state, pain hurts a lot worse, especially the pain of being left behind.  As he left the party with a girl, I walked behind and mumbled horrible thoughts under my breathe.  He had his arm around her, she linked her arm through his.  I staggered in the tail, jealousy rushing through my veins.  Till the best friend, told me to, "claim my man".  If i had my sober mind in tact, i would have realized how stupid of a mistake that would grow to be.  But I was intoxicated and I didn't take time to think through things.  I marched up to him and grabbed his other arm, clinging to it for life.  He hated it, i knew that, but i wasn't giving up, i wasnt letting another charm of happiness leave.  She knew what i was doing too, and she wasnt giving up her fight for attention.  She grabbed his hand and called him "sweetiepie".  She continued on with things like that and i tried so hard to pretend i hadn't heard.  He knew i wouldn't let go, so he did what he had to, he shook his arm loose, and smirked.  Last straw, I said "fuck this" and stormed off.  As I got half way down the next block, i sank to the ground realizing what I had done.  What HUGE mistake I had made, knowing once i sober up, happiness wouldn't be a snap of the fingers.  But I've contemplated all day about what can be done, what can I do, to make sure I'm happy, to make this broken bridge patched, and to make this mistake just a bitter memory.  Fixing it has been my biggest concern, how can I fix something that wasn't completely my fault? All I can do is apologize anyway.  And I can learn to think my thoughts through before I act, even if I am intoxicated, and lastly, i live with it, cause its done, its happened. 

If the other side of this mistake is reading this, I want you to know, I'm sorry for my actions last night, I'm sorry for walking away, I'm sorry for being clingy all the time.  i knew you wanted space and i wasn't respecting that enough, it took enough time to respect you didn't want a relationship, but i realize what i did wrong, and I hope you understand that it was a mistake and I am deeply sorry.  Internet doesn't scarfice an apology but it gives a starting ground.

Just remember, mistakes are unpreventable, but the battle is in your hands when it comes to fixing those mistakes.  You know what needs to be done, so don't hold back, if it means that much to you, you will fix it.

-Tatiana Krawchuk